The Waltz: 2013 Edition.

A MODERN DAY PARODY OF "THE WALTZ" BY DOROTHY PARKER.

Yeah! Sure! Let's go!
I don't want to dance with him. I don't want to dance with anybody. And even if I did, it wouldn't be him. He'd be well down among the last ten. Right in front of Casey Pachall and right behind That Creepy Guy From My Basic Speech Class Who Looks At Me Funny.
I've seen the way he dances; it looks like the Harlem Shake gone wrong, and there's not much that can go right with the Harlem Shake.
I suppose I deserve it, considering I spent the last few minutes cackling at the moves he was pulling on that poor blonde girl in the middle of the dance floor and now...
Here we are. Here I am. My turn. Karma at its finest.
Who is he? Why is he now popping into my life? 
Is it too much for me to just stand to the side and secretly judge all those dancing?
Apparently it is, and now, here I am, slowly standing up to be roped in and swung around by GDI Cargo Shorts over here.
Yeah, I said it, cargo shorts. 
What was I supposed to do?
Laugh in his face? Spit at his feet? Pretend I didn't speak a lick of English and run away to the safety of the bathroom and cry?
No.
I'm a lady- so, I lied.
Oh I love this song! Yeah, sure, go ahead and teach me how to "Dougie." I'm very interested to learn. No, I've never learned before! 
Please. Teach Me How To Dougie, kind sir. 
Nothing on this planet would make me happier. I'd love to Dougie with you. I'd love to have my wisdom teeth pulled without any anesthesia. I'd love to be stranded on the middle of the ocean in a lifeboat with a live tiger.
Crap.
This is awful. 
That is NOT how you Dougie. 
No, you don't use your fist like that and OW!
No, you definitely didn't just punch me in the face. You imagined that. I just usually tear up at the lyricism of the Cali Swag District. "You just do you and I'mma do me?" Genius. 
I should probably just kill him.
No? That's frowned upon?
Ok, what if I accidentally do the Cupid Shuffle in the middle of his Dougie and kick him in the shin? Would that be socially acceptable?
No? That's frowned upon too?
Dang it.
This song DOES rock. And it's so not old. 2010? Definitely still relevant. 
Wait. Am I slowly falling for my madman? Is this the Stockholm Syndrome at its finest? Look at him. Hair plastered to his face with sweat and determination, his eyes a fire of passion and heart. His feet, surrounded by some beat up sneakers, stepping and pressing and kicking to no beat at all? He never gets discouraged, not even when he is obviously off in every way shape and form. Nope, he's still trying. He is grace, he is good, he is OW
HE IS ON MY TOE.
OW.
Nope, I didn't feel a thing! You keep on doing you, buddy. Your moves are pretty sick!
Pretty sick.
I'm going to be pretty sick if he throws a spin on me one more time.
THERE ARE NO TWIRLS IN DOUGIE-ING.
I would know.
Oh, the DJ cut it short? Shoot! I was just learning. You're such a great teacher! What song is going to be next?? Obviously I wanna keep dancing with you!
Why did I do that. 
No. Please. For the love of all things that are good in this world NO! NO MORE! I'M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS! PLEASE!!
Wait... what's that I hear?
Last call?
The DJ is signing off? Thanking the crowd for their enthusiasm and for putting up with him playing "Teach Me How to Dougie?"
Bummer. I guess it's time to leave! I wish it wasn't, I would love to keep dancing. You're really good! Oh, you have "The Wobble" on your iPhone? You think you can just plug it into that speaker? Please do, I'd simply adore to go on wobbling!

[2013]